he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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