Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
