Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
