and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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