You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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