good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
