Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
