what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
