Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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