Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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