could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
