Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
