Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
