You work out of a Hotel?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
