When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
