hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
