A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
