There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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