Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
