I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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