Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
