I'm jealous of your bromance
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
