My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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