Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
