I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
