I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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