there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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