i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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