Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
