the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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