My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
