pop tarts are not kleenex
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
