even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
