Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
