Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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