so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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