You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Girls should come with a carfax report
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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