I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
