so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
