I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
