i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
