Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We have started to decorate penises.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
