You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
