You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
