I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
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I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
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Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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