in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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