I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
