Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess