That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.