Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.