I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
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I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.