I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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