Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
