How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
