Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
