Cold hands, warm shart.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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