3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
