I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'