i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."