I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary